1 Tough Mama - The Road to Winning Again Through TaeKwonDo

Letter to Grandmaster Kim Soo

2010-04-12T12:10:00.001-05:00

Dear Grandmaster Kim Soo,

I know that you will not remember me. I took Chayon-Ryu from you in the early 1990's when I was in college as a young woman in downtown Houston. I began karate lessons with you, as I lived in fear and was eager to learn how to defend myself. I took lessons from you very late in the evenings and am humbled when I realize now how much personal attention that you gave to me. You built my confidence up, as you told me that you saw promise in me. You spent much extra time with me. I fell into hard economic times and had to move out of the city, but Chayon-Ryu stayed in my heart forever.

I moved to Wharton, Texas and sought out a Chayon-Ryu dojang there - none existed. I continued to practice what I learned under you, but life took over and I strayed from my karate ways. After a couple more years, I moved to San Antonio, Texas. I also sought out a Chayon-Ryu dojang there, and again, came up short. I knew that there was a void in my life from not continuing with your form of karate, and I was not satisfied to join another type of karate school.

Now, I am a 40 year old married mother and a successful business woman. About 2 1/2 years ago, I decided to fill the void in my life and begin martial arts. Again, I sought out to find a Chayon-Ryu school in San Antonio, but still none exists. I decided to interview a few different martial arts schools and systems and joined a Taekwondo dojang, where I have been attending faithfully 4-5 times per week.

Martial Arts has changed my life and has given me so much passion and improvement in ALL areas of my life! I am testing for my black belt in June and know that I will not only achieve that milestone, but I will also have achieved some additional martial arts goals that I have personally set. Because of my dedication to be the best martial artist that I can be, I quit drinking alcohol, I workout daily for health, eat clean, and strive to be a positive role model for everyone that I'm in contact with. Everything in my life has improved because I life the martial way.

I still have void in my heart, though. I can honestly say that I would trade my Taekwondo training for Chayon-Ryu in a heartbeat. I miss the traditional principles of the system that you have created and fill this void by reading the articles and information that you post online. Have you considered expanding your system to San Antonio, Texas? I would start over as a white belt all over again to study your system - in a heart beat.

The purpose of this letter is to thank you. I know that our time together was very short, but the time you spent with me had a lifelong impact. You are a very special person. I know that I would not be the martial artist that I am today without the foundation that you provided me with in my young and formidable years. THANK YOU. I have not only survived some pretty heavy losses in my life, but thanks to martial arts, I have persevered and have come out stronger. I wanted to ensure that I had an opportunity to let you know how you have inspired me. My goal is to continue to set new goals, to continue testing myself as a martial artist and to still be doing martial arts and the martial way - even when I'm 80 years old. I want to learn how to lead others to continue the legacy.

You are awesome and I've been amazed at all that you've accomplished as I've followed you through the years. Keep it up - you have no idea how many lives that your leadership has touched over the years! I'm living proof!

I wish you the very best!

With great respect and admiration,

Dedie

Early Morning Musings of a Martial Artist

2010-04-06T07:01:00.003-05:00

Ahhh...morning workouts are the best. I have started my early morning workouts again and it feels great to start the day with a good dose of endorphines. Here are some of the things bouncing around my head today:

- Thank you, Lord, for the somber reminder of Easter and how that translates to my own salvation. I'm humbly amazed at what You endured to ensure that I would never have to suffer. I NEVER want to take You for granted and appreciate this life that You have blessed me with!

- Balance and core stability is critical in martial arts success. Without core strength, it's impossible to achieve correct form in kicks and other martial arts manuevers, which is the framework of the sport and necessary for effectiveness. The same holds true in life. If I don't have balance in life, it's impossible to achieve core stability for success. Each day for me is a pursuit to balance my Christian walk, family life, career, martial arts, and other extra curriculars (like fun!).

I have started to rehab my left arm after 3 months of inactivity. I used very light weights and average reps today and was surprised by the fact that I didn't experience any pain or discomfort. I'm going to take it slow, as I do realize a torn ligament is serious business. We'll see how it goes. I'd love to be able to do a push up without pain or risking further injury within 60 days.

If you are reading my post and are a Mixed Martial Arts fan, I have added a new feature to my blog. I will keep an updated schedule of upcoming fights at the top of my blog.

It's a glorious day!

Kihap!

Sam Sheridan!!!

2010-04-04T08:56:00.007-05:00

I feel like a giddy teenager today! Sam Sherdian commented on my blog and corresponded with me!!! Who is Sam Sheridan you might ask?

Sam Sheridan is the author of two of my favorite MMA reads, "A Fighter's Heart" and, "A Fighter's Mind". He also writes for Fight! magazine and is a regular MMA favorite interviewed among the various MMA websites and publications.

Sam is a Harvard grad that followed his nomadic adventuresome spirit and traveled the world while seeking to satisfy his need for adrenaline and to explore his fighting game. He served in the merchant marines, fought fires in New Mexico's Gila National Forest, and did construction in Antarctica. Sam lived, trained and fought Muay Thai in Thailand, trained with the Gracie's in Brazil, trained with Pat Miletich in Iowa at MFS, trained with boxing Olympic gold medalist Andre Ward, and trained with a Tai Chi master in New York. I'm certain that I've left something out, but you get the picture.

I believe that Sam is also involved in a documentary called, "Fight Life" that will be released in 2010 by a guy named James Feng. I saw this when I was watching a UFC fight on youtube the other day. Here's the link to that documentary: http://www.fightlife.tv/

Anyway, Sam's awesome and is very generous to correspond with his fans. You can see Sam's latest work on his new website: http://worldismadeoffire.com

Thanks, Sam! You Rock!!!

Kihap!

Flex This!

2010-04-03T18:39:00.006-05:00

Okay - I've finally come to terms with the fact that I will NOT be testing for black belt in June. My torn elbow ligament (fondly known as my Ulnar Lateral Collateral Ligament - UCL) is still damaged. While I have definite improvements in my range of motion, it's still damaged. I have not slept a full night without pain since January 17th - that's almost three full months! I have not been able to do a single push up, jab or extension of any type with that arm. Tailoring my martial arts workouts has been interesting to say the least. I have continued to train and spar, though. It's fun and slightly devilish to see my sparring opponents facial expressions when they figure out they are about to spar me. I look like a total invalid as I have to tuck my entire left arm in a sling underneath my chest protector. While it isn't pretty, I'm fully functional that way. I still have my killer spirit and I proceed to kicking those perplexed asses - even with only one arm. I can tell that my kicks have really improved, which the additional focus that I've been forced to place on them over the last three months.

Oh, how I digress... back to black belt testing. In our dojo, black belt testing is only twice per year. If I don't make June testing, I will have to wait until December. UGH!!! So, I'm going to find the positives in this situation and I figure that I can really set some hefty goals to make the extra training time fortuitous for me.

I have always displayed a natural flair for flexibility, but I've never been able to master all three splits - left, right and middle. I've currently got my left split down, but I'm only close on the right and on the middle. While possessing the ability to do the splits doesn't guarantee a better martial artist, those skills definitely help provided the artist understands the application. So, to fully explore how to train for greater flexibility and ultimately higher, more controlled kicks, I am turning to Tom Kurz, the world's leading expert on flexibility training.

Directly taken from Tom's website, www.Stadion.com, there are three kinds of flexibility:

Dynamic—The ability to perform dynamic movements within a full range of motion in the joints. High kicks are a display of dynamic flexibility.

Static passive—The ability to assume and maintain extended positions using your weight (splits), or using strength not coming from the stretched limbs, such as lifting and holding a leg with your arm or by other external means.

Static active—The ability to assume and maintain extended positions using only the tension of the agonists and synergists while the antagonists are being stretched. One example is lifting the leg and keeping it high without any support.

I have ordered Tom's book, "Stretching Scientifically" and will begin to supplement my daily martial arts workouts with focus on the three types of flexibility. So here it goes...

My goal is to have all three splits completely flat to the ground by black belt testing in December.

Kihap!

Dedie

Hanging With The Boyz...

2010-03-09T22:19:00.004-06:00

Today's TKD class was terrific and empowering. I was the only chick in the class and all others were tough black belt dudes. What's so gratifying is that I not only hang with these men, but I'm better at almost everything from forms, conditioning, flexibiliy, cardio capacity, working the bags, weapons. Today we learned a 360 degree heel kick and I rocked it! My heel kick is head level, as compared to the men who struggled to kick higher than chest level. Gotta love that!

Working bags is really a favorite drill of mine. It is a challenge with my left arm still incapacitated; however, I'm learning how to stay mentally in the game and persevere through my injury. Instead of jabs, I'm throwing elbows to keep my arm protected. Throwing elbows really only taxes my shoulder joint and I'm glad to keep my shoulder active while I'm healing my elbow ligament. I can tell you this though, if I ever really do get into a fight and have to throw down, I'll be very proficient at cutting someone with this left elbow of mine! (visualizing the Miguel Torres cut from WEC 47)

You know it's a great workout when you look in the rearview mirror after class and realize that you only have one eyebrow on (I pencil them in each day)! I sweat profusely today and my makeup was a mess.

You can't beat a day like that!

Kihap!!!

Dedie

Another One Bites The Dust

2010-03-06T07:32:00.004-06:00

And another anatomical body part of mine bites the dust! I was rocking along in private lessons in January and my instructor, Mr. F, told me that I was really a talented martial artist, so I was feeling like Bruce Lee-Ann! I was training at least 5-6 times a week in the Dojo, but had not been doing any other workouts, due to my schedule, sheer laziness and the cold weather! (It's hard to get out of my warm and cozy bed in the mornings!) In that private lesson, I was feeling confident in all aspects of my martial arts regimen: Forms, Sparring, Weapon (this testing cycle we were on Jahng Bong which is the long bo staff), Self Defense, and I had also been putting much work into perfecting all of the foundational kicks, blocks, and strikes. I was feeling elation from the momentum of my training, which always translates into a superior state of mind - this also spills over into all areas of my life. These are the moments when I feel like I am able to truly take on and accomplish anything and my confidence is through the roof.

Mr. F and I decided to really work my upset ridgehand strike board break. I did well with my right hand on the brown rebreakable board, which is equivalent to breaking a 1 3/4 inch wood board; however, with my left upset ridgehand strike, everything went wrong. First of all, my confidence in my ability to break the board was not there. Instead of focusing my energy and thoughts on the force and placement required for a successful strike, I was doubting myself. I was thinking about asking my instructor for a thinner board, but was both embarrassed and timid to do so. I just went for it - as hard as I could AND I did the worst thing ever .... I closed my eyes. When my hand hit the board, it felt like electricity pulsed from side of my hand up straight up into my left elbow. I immediately withdrew, let out a very loud, "OMG!", and grabbed my elbow. I knew at that moment that I totally screwed something up. The pain was unbearable, made me see stars and then made me nauseous. But, in a moment of stupidity and wanting to demonstrate perseverence, I did the board break again, this time breaking the board. In Spanish we call a person like this a Stupida. You can easily translate that to English.

5 weeks later of immobilizing my arm, doing first-aid R.I.C.E. and still feeling immense pain, I saw an Orthopedic Surgeon, got a MRI and discovered that I have damaged my Ulnar Lateral Collateral Ligament. Let me tell you - it's a painful injury. It's been almost 8 weeks now and I'm still in great pain. My prescription is to lay off of TKD for 8 more weeks and if that isn't effective, surgery will be inevitable. The ligament is slightly torn and very loose, which means that I have to REALLY watch it. If this ligament completely tears, the surgery is an awful one - called the Tommy John surgery. This would mean that I'm off of TKD for a minimum of one year. I think I would die.

In the meantime, I have still been participating in classes with my arm in a sling. I feel that I still have 2 good legs and 1 good arm, so why waste time? I am challenged when it comes to Forms and Weapons, but I'm still kicking ass in Sparring. This is also a great opportunity for me to focus on kicks and get the intricacies down of perfecting the basics. One of my ultimate TKD goals is to have a side kick that is worthy of magazine publication. You know the picture: the martial artist on the beach with the sun coming up (or setting for that matter), which provides the perfect silouette lighting for the side kick that is all the way up to the sky. I can and will accomplish this!!! My instructor is awesome at tailoring the class curriculum for me so that I can still train with this injury.

So, for now, I have had to readjust my black belt testing goals. I don't feel that I'm worthy to test for black belt until I am fully functional with all limbs. We'll see. I've been struggling for a fully functional status for over a year now. First with my right knee injury, and now with my left elbow injury. I've really got to find a way to train and excel as a middle-aged martial artist.(YUCK! It's painful to write that) By the way, did I mention that I turned 40 a few weeks ago? It's just a number, I guess. Since I can still kick 20 year old ass, it's really inconsequential to me. :-)

Until next time,

Kihap!!!

Dedie

Staying the Course

2010-01-16T08:21:00.004-06:00

Well - I'm officially into my first two weeks of 2010. I've really made progress towards improving the quality of my life and overall health and wellness, both interally and externally. For the last two weeks, I have made a concerted effort to reflect upon my core values every morning as the foundation of my day. My core values authentically are who I am and what my thoughts and actions should reflect. What I treasure: my relationship with God/Jesus, my family (they ROCK!), and leading others. I've stopped obsessing about measuring food out each day, what the scale number is each day and how others perceive me. The result is that I've truly been so much more joyful and peaceful. My perspective has changed and I am reaping the benefits.Wanna hear something really amazing? My daughter's teacher just told me that Isabella has been so much happier over the last two weeks and for the first time in pre-school, Isabella has brought home two consecutive weekly reports of perfect behavior. I get it now - Isabella's view of her world is a direct reflection of how she sees me, not how she hears me. Epiphany!!!

With regard to my TKD training, things are really on pace. I've been doing 3 classes per week, along with an hour long private lesson. My new attitude has also really helped my TKD progress, as well. While I excel against a peer comparison, I am not where I want to be against my personal expectations and goals. I am wondering if I should take an additional 6 months to prepare for my black belt test and test in December. More than being prepared for the physical aspects of the test (3 hours of grueling anaerobic and aerobic testing activities without water in the 100+ degree Texas heat followed by a 1 mile run), I want to feel deserving of being a black belt and confident in my TKD skills. I just don't see that I can reasonably accomplish this within the next 6 months. My instructor feels differently, and while I don't want to challenge his authority, I am pressing him to consider letting me continue this level of training and test in December. We'll see how this goes with time.

My body hasn't felt this sore in awhile. My quads, hamstrings, calves, biceps, and core are definitely feeling the results of my new training - they are awake! Starting Monday, I'll add an additional mini-morning workout to supplement my TKD training. My morning regimen will focus on weight work with cardio on alternating days. There's a terrific martial arts conditioning program called Warrior X-Fit that really fits the bill for these morning workouts. I'm going to have to really become efficient and disciplined in my daily schedule, because adding my morning workout means I'll have to wake up at 4:45 every day!

My form this testing cyle is In Wha II. To see the form, I posted a video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_kImUd-YF0&NR=1

Well - I gotta make some breakfast. I'm going to made some yummy high-protein pancakes! Then, on to my Warrior X-Fit training workout.

Kihap!

Dedie

OUCH!!!!

2010-01-09T16:46:00.003-06:00

Today's class was an ass-kicker! I worked out so hard this week in my classes, that my quadriceps felt like they were shredded. EVERYTHING hurt - going downstairs, sitting, standing - everything! So, today when class started and I realized that it was going to be a class packed with nothing but jump kicks and plyometric work, I almost died. I gave it my all, though, and know that a workout like that will just help to rid the lactic acid moving through my quads.

Tonight I'm mapping out my strategy. Will post it later.

Kihap!

Still Here & Kicking!

2009-12-20T07:18:00.004-06:00

It's been well over a year since my last blog. My year has been filled with injuries, frustrations, failures, healing, progress, victories and good intentions to keep my blog current. I've had plenty of content to blog about, but somewhere along the journey this blog became a chore. However, I have really missed blogging about my long and perilous journey toward earning my Black Belt and getting back to a winning position in life, so I've decided to get back to it.

I've had a host of physical and other issues that have plagued me this last year. One really can't deny the mental challenges that accompany physical pain and I've experienced my fair share of those, too.

Where am I now? Well, over the next few weeks, we'll get reacquainted again. Yesterday I tested (and passed!) for the second stage of my Brown Belt (Brown Belt decided) and I am one step closer to achieving my Black Belt goal! The belt colors in ATA TaeKwonDo are: White, Yellow, Orange, Camoflauge, Green, Purple, Blue Belt Recommended, Blue Belt Decided, Brown Belt Recommended, Brown Belt Decided, Red Belt Recommended, Red Belt Decided, Black Belt Recommended, Black Belt! After Black Belt, one can further progress in their martial arts journey by achieving higher levels of Black Belt rank through training, instructing and testing, and these higher levels are indicated by degrees e.g. 1st Degree Black Belt, 2nd Degree Black Belt, 3rd Degree Black Belt, etc.

To keep this blog entry from becoming a novel, I'll summarize the tribulations that I've endured this past year: right knee injury, right hip injury, both feet injured, right trapezius injury (upper right back/lower right shoulder), both elbows injured, work stressors, and home/family stressors - all of which affected my training and positive mental attitude. The biggest heartbreaks for me are that I've struggled with depression and have gained back the weight that I worked so hard to lose in the beginning of my training.

Conversely, I have persevered and will continue to fight through. Though sparse and overshadowed by my challenges, I have had my share of accomplishments this year. Being the perfectionist that I am, my memory is clouded by all of the imperfections and I'm unable to recall any, though!

What's in my immediate future? I have much work cut out for me over the next 5 1/2 months, as my Instructor (Mr. F) has decided that I will test for my Black Belt in June 2010. That day of testing will be tough - 3 hours of intense TKD followed by a 1 mile run - all outside in the Texas sun with NO water breaks allowed. Not only do I want to be the best martial artist there, but I want to feel like I deserve that coveted Black Belt. Tomorrow I will carve out time to sit down and blog my specific goals for the next few months.

I'm signing off for now to get in good workout this morning! SO great to be back!

Kihap!
Dedie

Just For Kicks .......

2009-06-30T08:27:00.001-05:00

When I need to close a door or a cabinet door or a drawer, I use back kicks, front kicks and side kicks - it drives my husband nuts.

The other day a door was slightly open and I used a slow motion hook kick to fully open it. He rolled his eyes at me.

When we are in the bathroom together brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed, I practice my balance by doing slow motion kicks that almost touch him. This pretty much puts him over the edge, but I can't stop! (although he's a black belt in TKD and a black belt Kuk Sool Won and could totally take me out if he wanted to)

I just can't help it!!!!

Kihap!

Getting Serious....

2009-06-28T08:22:00.002-05:00

Well ... I'm tired of training like an ignorant TKD student. I am one of those students that puts their game face on every single time I step into the Dojo and I give it my all - everytime. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried all of the way home, because I desire to be so much better than I am, and I am frustrated by how much I completely fall short of the martial artist that I aspire to be. I take this all VERY seriously.

When I'm not in the Dojo taking classes and bugging my instructors to death with my never ending questions, I'm at home practicing and constantly doing extra workouts to improve my flexibility, agility, strength, power, balance, focus, anaerobic conditioning and cardio capacity. I read books and google for nuggets on what to do better or what I should be doing, etc, etc, etc.

I admit that I'm the TKD geek that has a training and goals journal that I write in between classes as I watch the black belts or others as they train.

HOWEVER, I have fallen into the "paralysis by analysis" rut and need to pick ONE thing to focus on. I believe that I am so scattered running in a million TKD and fitness directions that I am completely training ineffectively. Because of this, I have decided to become truly knowledgeable about the physiology behind our sport and how to focus my training by selecting fitness routines with precision. I purchased a classic, "Complete Conditioning for Martial Arts" by Sean Cochran. Within the first 5 pages, I realized that I have SO much to learn. I have been training myself like I'm prepping for winning a football game, not for excelling in martial arts! I also realized that I am super ignorant about all things anatomy and physiology, especially as it relates to training and performing with intelligence.

I am very excited about taking this new journey that will stretch my cognition about training in a purposeful way, instead of doing rudamentary things that are appropriate for other sports. Today I'm learning about the different martial arts training activities and the energy systems used. For the martial arts practitioner that wants to excel in his/her sport, it's imperative to know which energy systems is used in the various exercises. For example, in TKD when one performs roundhouse kicks, it's a high intensity activity that uses the phosphagen system (anaerobic exercise). Both inside and outside of the Dojo, that martial artist will need to perform exercises that train his/her body to be more efficient anaerobically both in the production and replenishment of ATP (rest).

If I think too long about how much I need to learn and apply to my training, it's so overwhelming that I get an ice cream headache!!!

Kihap!

Hey Girlz, I'm Back!!!

2009-06-23T08:25:00.000-05:00

I just fought again after rehabbig my knee for 6 months!!! Had a nasty ganglion cyst that grew in my proximal anterior tibia-fibular joint under my kneecap. I never knew it was there, but just knew that my knee was in pain something fierce all of the time. It grew to the size of a large gumball!!! When the doc went in to aspirate the cyst, something went wrong and massive pain ensued. Not a great day. Events that followed: rushed to ultrasound and then MRI, found damage from the cyst aspiration & further diagnosis of Chondromalacia Patella & Quadriceps Tendinosis (not tendinitis) and 6 months of lots more pain and PT.

I've been super nervous to kick and fight again, which Is the bomb for me. I am undefeated in sparring, which is my fave part of training. There is something so gratifying about wrapping my foot around someone's head!!! (which is exactly why round kicks are my absolute favorite kicks)

In class this week I decided to go for it. Did 5 rounds and BOY DID IT FEEL GREAT! The only way to describe how it feels is like when you come back home from being away on a long trip OR like when you drink a super cold tall glass of water on an incredibly hot day and you are absolutely parched. AHHHHHHHHHHH

Kihap!

Inked - for the first time!!!

2009-06-20T08:19:00.001-05:00

Well - I finally did it. I went out and permanently marked my ummarked body. I got an amazing tattoo and LOVE IT!!! I have known since I was 18 that I wanted a tat, and never had the guts. In addition, I didn't want to do something in my youth that I'd totally regret later on.

Well - now that I'm pushing 40, I really thought it's now or never. I felt like my desire to be inked has actually increased as I've grown older and I didn't want to be geriatric with saggy skin when I got my first one! Since 40 is the new 30, I feel like I can still rock it!

It hurt like hell and the chick that did it had more facial hair than my dad, but I absolutely love it! My left leg between my calf and ankle have "indomitable spirit" forever marked in Korean. No color - just black. Sheer perfection.

Kihap!

1st Place!!!

2008-09-27T17:41:00.002-05:00

It's been WAY too long since I've blogged. I even feel guilty about this. And it's kind of like that phone call that you need to make, but don't. So the longer you wait the more guilty you feel, yet you KNOW that you still need to make that call ... and you don't. It's classic procrastination, and I'm guilty.

I can't believe that my last post was May. I'm going to make a serious effort to keep regular posts coming. It's a great way to track my progress, a terrific outlet for me, and also WAY cheaper than a therapist! :-)

Well, here's my motivation for posting today ... I entered my first formal ATA TKD Victory Intra-School Tournament and took home 1st place in Sparring!!!

When I sat on the mat and waited for my group (which consisted of 9 opponents), I thought back to the first months of my TKD quest. It feels like forever ago, even though it's only been 6 months. These 6 months have been life changing for me. I've lost 25 pounds, gone down 2 dress sizes, gained muscle mass, flexibility, agility and I've regained confidence in myself. I feel like I've finally found something to be passionate about that put the zest back into my life. And quite frankly, I feel like I'm 20 years old again. My life is so much fun now!

It certainly hasn't been easy. Every week is filled with sweat, tears, bruises, blood, scrapes, pain beyond what I have ever imagined, frustration, wanting to quit sometimes, and it has been so worth it all!

Every time I step on that mat, I am fully aware that the only person that I'm really competing against is me. It's about always giving 100% (even when I don't feel like it), taking my successes to new heights and turning my failures into successes through intense focus, work and perseverance.

I've got so much to accomplish and to learn. It's the journey along the way that is the best part - and it's what you make it. The "old me" was so focused on the end result, that I forgot to savor the moments in between. Not anymore. I am very proud to be a camo belt and building the foundation of my TKD skills/art one stone at a time. One belt at a time.

So, I've grown through these belt colors thus far: White, Orange, Yellow and finally Camo. Next week my instructor will be testing me for Green!

So, for now I'm signing off to go celebrate with my baby girl and my very supportive husband! I am going to treat myself to a bacon cheeseburger with sweet potato fries!

Kiyap!!!!

Fighting The Enemy

2008-05-28T23:10:00.003-05:00

Tonight's 2 classes were really intense. I sweat buckets through both. I love it and hate it how the sweat pours down my face and stings my eyes. It's a very physical reminder that the work that I do in the dojo is special, as it takes great commitment, dedication and perseverance to train that hard every time I step onto the mat.

Every now and then I get really pissed off about having Polycystic Kidney Disease. I feel pain from this disease EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I am aware of my kidney pain 100% of the time. I don't talk about this or bring this up to anyone, because who wants to be around someone complaining all of the time? I just choose to concentrate on the positive and living in the moment.

Tonight I just really struggled mentally with an immense anger that sometimes fills me when I think about the details of the inevitable for me. My future holds certainty that my kidneys will continue to worsen - regardless of what I do to take excellent care of myself. It's so frustrating! My future holds possibilities of dialysis, transplant, complications from PKD (like on New Year's Day this year when I was in the E.R.),and continued pain.

There are certainly those that criticize my decision for choosing a full contact sport, like Tae Kwon Do. I can understand. One hard kick to one of my kidneys would be a very scary thing for me. We don't wear back pads, so when sparring, this is a real possibility. It's a risk I'm willing to take. The daily benefits that I receive from my martial arts training and lifestyle far outweigh the risks for me.

When I am in my garage or in the dojo and punching/kicking those targets and bags, I visualize the letters PKD and unleash the fury. It's the mental thing that I do to kick PKD ass on a weekly basis. It's the mental struggle, because I refuse to let PKD defeat me, although at times I feel like it's killing me!

Dedie

Songahm 3 - New Skills!

2008-05-11T09:17:00.005-05:00

I had a great first week as an Orange Belt. It felt empowering to put on my new belt each time I prepared for going to the dojo. I did 5 classes this week. I was also just getting over being really sick, so it was a difficult week pacing myself and getting my strength back. When I went all out, my body pushed back making everything tough and truly a challenge.

I love my new poomse - Songahm 3! It's got great blocks and new kicks incorporated. I really enjoy doing my forms each day. The work and detail that I put in shows through in the dojo. For my next belt test I am only supposed to learn the first 12 or so movements; however, my goal is to perfect all 28 movements.

As far as sparring combinations goes, it feels good to move on to some new combos that incorporate new kicks and punches. This week I discovered that I'm naturally good at crescent and jump front kicks. I attribute this to years (and I mean YEARS) of aerobics, gymnastics, dance & choreographing stuff with my sister.

Speaking of my sister - I brought Mandi to a special Mother's Day cardio kickboxing class on Thursday. It turned out to be more like a high energy/cardio women's self defense class and it was so much fun! My instructor paired us up, and I tried my best to remain serious as we trained. It very difficult, though, because Mandi is so funny! She's very much like Chrissy from "Three's Company"! When we would pair up for kicking and puching drills, she would hold the targets and make all of these really funny faces. She was terrified that I was going to kick, punch or elbow her instead of the target. We would start laughing and have to stifle that when Mr. F came around. Mandi did awesome (as I knew she would) and it was really special for me to share my love of TKD with her.

May 22nd, Sr. Master Von Schmelling, the former world TKD champion and founder of Victory Martial Arts, is coming to San Antonio! He is coming to Victory schools in San Antonio to conduct training and I'll be there, for sure.

Happy Mother's Day today to all of the moms and grandmas out there! Today I am going to pamper my precious, sweet mom. She is the most amazing woman that I know and I look just like her!!! I want to be just like her - she's also one tough mama! :-)

Kihap!

Dedie!

The Perfect Push Up!

2008-05-04T22:59:00.006-05:00

Tonight I had planned on blogging about the purpose behind the forms (poomse) that those in ATA Tae Kwon Do work so diligently to perfect. However, I was so inspired by another blogger's post that I ran across, that I have decided to publish her blog post here in it's entirety. Mandi, of everyone that reads my blog, I know that you'll not only benefit the most, but will also have the most interest in reading about and executing the Perfect Push Up! I do a gazillion push ups every week to further my fitness program as it's the one exercise that hits my entire upper body and core. Finding an article written by a Certified Strength & Conditioning Specialist, as well as a 4th degree Black Belt in ATA TKD, is certainly exciting for me. Here's my challenge to each one who reads this post - Try at least 1 perfect pushup!

Kihap!

Dedie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Search of the “perfect” push-up
By Dianne Bailey, CSCS

In light of the recent Fitness Test instituted by the ATA, you may be asking, “What is the perfect push-up?” Well, you might immediately think of the recently created product called just that. The “Perfect Push-up” was created by Navy SEAL, Alden Mills, to help facilitate the body’s natural movement during the world’s oldest bodyweight exercise, the push-up. Reviews of this product have been favorable, but you don’t need to spend the $40 for these nifty handles to get your body into the right position for a great workout!

While there are many variations of the humble push-up, let’s look at the basic form to make sure you are getting the most out of this exercise.

Incorrect: elbows out, hands by head. Potential injury to shoulders. (Oct., 2007, Vol 29, Number 5, Strength and Conditioning Journal)

Correct: elbows back, hands at shoulder/nipple line. Engaging pecs instead of shoulders as major movers.

We all know that there are many differences between women and men. After all, Venus and Mars are not the same planet! This follows through into the correct form for push-ups. Most women have difficulty identifying with their pectoralis major, or chest muscle. It is, however, the original “chest protector.” Look at some of the UFC fighters and notice how developed their chest muscles are . . . good protection for their heart from the intense punches they receive! Women, however, do not naturally have the muscle mass in the chest that a man has and therefore have difficulty connecting with the major mover in the push-up. They attempt to complete the push-up with their arms. Yes, the arms and shoulders are definitely working . . . but you must use your pectorals to really get at the heart of the push-up. Proper form is critical for this to happen.

That’s not to say that the chest is the only muscle group being activated during the push-up. In a recent NY Times article discussing push-ups, Tara Parker-Pope writes, “The push-up is the ultimate barometer of fitness. It tests the whole body, engaging muscle groups in the arms, chest, abdomen, hips and legs. It requires the body to be taut like a plank with toes and palms on the floor. The act of lifting and lowering one’s entire weight is taxing even for the very fit.” The traditional push-up is performed as a long lever, total body workout with the contact points at the toes and the hands. One can modify this position and therefore make it easier by shortening the lever and performing the push-up with the contact point at the knees instead of the toes. This dramatically reduces the core activation in this exercise, however. A better way to “shorten the lever”, but still maintain core activation is by raising the level of the hands, i.e. performing a push-up with your hands on a bench.

The versatility of the push-up is amazing! Consider the number of variations that can be created with this one exercise:

Feet elevated on step
Feet elevated on stability ball
Hands on stability ball

One-arm push-ups
One-leg push-ups

Plyometric with claps

One hand on medicine ball

Transfer medicine ball

Depth drop and return to two steps

T-stab (push-up then rotate to T position)

The “perfect push-up” doesn’t have to be a product that you buy from Amazon.com. It can and should be a major part of your fitness arsenal for your ATA life and beyond.

For all pictures, click on this link: http://kicks4all.blogspot.com/2008_04_01_archive.html

Dianne Bailey is a Certified Strength and Conditioning Specialist with the National Strength and Conditioning Association. She is also a 4th Degree Black Belt with the ATA with 14 years experience in the martial arts. She owns Martial Arts Conditioning,LLC which runs The Conditioning Classroom, a personal training studio in Denver, CO. www.maconditioning.com

Orange!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-03T09:01:00.012-05:00

Wow! Much has happened since my last post. Almost don't know where to begin. I haven't blogged in a few weeks from being super busy, and then super sick. I'm on the rebound, though, and getting ready to do a kickass workout.

I am no longer a White Belt! I've graduated to Orange Belt and my first testing experience was very powerful. I didn't know what to expect and was very nervous. I practiced and practiced to get my form - Songahm 2 - to perfection. I also attended every class I could fit in my schedule to perfect my weapon (9 strike ), my board breaks (I'm really good at these) and my self defense. At the testing, out of many students, there were only 3 of us that had perfected all 23 moves of the Songahm 2 form, the other students only learned 12 moves. It felt good to set myself apart from the group. I was also the only girl to do a break with the brown board. I broke the board on the first attempt and there were men that took several tries on the brown board! Lastly, the instructor complimented me in front of the group that he had invited me to participate in the Leadership Instructor training program called CIT. The night before, the owner of the schools had invited me to attend a special workout. I'll write more on that later. It was a great experience, overall. During the workout, my instructor asked the family members to belt us with our new color belts. My husband was every excited to step onto the mat to put my new Orange Belt on! After testing, we went out to dinner and had a nice little date. His support of my martial arts is incredible and I coudn't be as successful without his support, for sure. My husband is such an inspiring man and awesome in the martial arts himself! He is a Black Belt of Tae Kwon Do and of Kuk Sool Won. He's a little rusty, but has started training again. Having a family foundation of fitness and discipline through martial arts is really powerful and something that Isabella, my 3 year old, will grow into. To learn about the different belt colors in Tae Kwon Do and their meanings, click here:

http://www.ataonline.com/taekwondo/belts/index.asp

Now onto the other exciting element of my training - Leadership. I am truly honored and thrilled that my instructor has selected me to participate in the Leadership program at our dojo. I take every class so seriously and relentlessly give my personal best. I take 2-3 classes every Monday and Wednesday and attend Thursdays and Saturdays whenever possible. I guess my instructor has noticed my commitment and dedication. I am thinking about this additional commitment and will let him know. I really want to take my martial arts training and commitment to my school to the next level, however, I can't let martial arts conflict with work or being there for my 3 year old. I'm so driven in what I want to accomplish, but I can't lose focus of what's REALLY important in my life and that's maxing out my time with Isabella. In just a few short years, she'll be off and running doing her own and I'll never get these years back. On the other hand, training in Tae Kwon Do can be a family experience and Isabella will be in classes in just a few months. I also can be a role model for her. We'll see.

I have lost 15 pounds and gone down almost 2 dress sizes in the last 8 weeks since starting Tae Kwon Do!!! My confidence level is off of the charts. I am forever grateful to my instructor, Mr. F, and will always be insanely loyal to him. He is so amazing and supportive of me. I'm also making great friends in my dojo and am starting to feel like I am family there. I have just started to chip away at the fitness goals that I want to accomplish. I will continue to lose weight and increase muscle mass to decrease my body fat. In addition, I'm incorporating plyometrics to work on my jumping kicks, agility and speed. This will all pay off when sparring.

I just started to learn my new form - Songahm 3. I'm going to post again tomorrow to explain Songahm Tae Kwon Do. It's fascinating - at least to me!!!

I have much to be excited about, so today I'm signing off with the biggest KIHAP ever!!!

KIHAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dedie

This is MY House!!!!

2008-04-22T07:59:00.004-05:00

My Dojo is MY house. I have an immense sense of belonging and pride when I walk through those doors and step on that sacred mat. My fellow students and instructors are my family. In the couple of months that I have been practicing TKD, I have developed some very deep connections with those that I practice with.

I am now down 13 pounds and testing for my Orange Belt in 3 days!!! I am ready and very excited! I have butterflies when I think about testing, because I've never been through this experience before. What I've gained in just 2 months of studying TKD is so amazing. I think back to the day that I walked into my Dojo for my trial class and the transformation is incredible. I never want to be that person again. I know that the journey ahead of me will be lifelong, and I'm learning to enjoy the journey instead of solely focusing on attaining an endall goal. The misconception that most have is that once a martial artist achieves Black Belt status, they have achieved the highest level. The truth is that once a martial artist achieves Black Belt status, the journey really has just begun.

Yesterday I did 3 classes! I had so much fun and sweat my ass off. My mascara was all over the place. I've gotten to the place where I need to completely wash off my makeup before starting class. It's always in my eyes and stinging.

My instructor invited me to attend his Leadership Class and I was very honored. My goal will be to train as an instructor, when I get to the level where that will be allowed. I taught group exercise (in my day we called it aerobics classes) for 17 years and miss that a lot. Instructing martial arts will definitely fit in well with dusting off those skills in my repetoire. I have the innate desire to Lead whereever I'm placed. It's really hard for me to resist - God's wiring and plan.

I'll write again after testing. Wish me luck!!!!

Kihap!

Dedie

The TKD Way ...

2008-04-10T00:40:00.005-05:00

I open every class saying:

I will pratice in the Spirit of Tae Kwon Do
Having Courtesy for fellow students
Loyalty for my Instructor
and Respect for my juniors and seniors, Sir!

I close every class saying:

I shall persevere to live in the Spirit of Tae Kwon Do
Having Honor with others
Integrity within myself
and Self Control in my actions, Sir!

As I grow in the pursuit of my sport, I am learning to persevere. There are times in class when I want to quit, and I punch, kick, and try harder. I attend each class with complete focus on doing my personal best. My worst critic is the perfectionist in me. There is a part of me that feels that if I can't do something perfectly, I should not even do it all. Getting my ass kicked in my classes each week is teaching me that perseverance is about the journey along the way and enjoying the trials, tribulations and victories in this glorious (and supremely rewarding) experience. Translating this to other areas of my life will be truly enlightenment. One step at a time ....

As I work toward discovering the Black Belt within myself, I want to exude the Spirit of Tae Kwon Do in everything that I do. I am now feeling the connection to my career and my relationships. I now know that I will not accept anything less than excellence from myself and those around me. And instead of being in a constant state of competition, empowering others and building them up is the true art of leadership.

It's truly exciting to see myself change physically, mentally and emotionally since I began my first class in my dojang. I am forever changed!

Kihap!!!

Dedie

3 Weeks to Orange!!!

2008-04-08T06:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday rocked. I took a White-Orange-Yellow class at 6:45pm and followed it by taking the Advanced All Belts Class at 8:15pm. I'm posting this morning at 6:30am and my body hurts all over from the intense workouts! I only slept 4 hours last night because of being sore. It's a good ache, though. I know that I'm pushing myself to the limits of what I can do. I see the physical and mental benefits.

As far as physical changes, I'm down 11 pounds and definitely down inches! I am getting comments from others on my weight loss. what's so fantastic is that I no longer crave the junk that I used to because I know that it will only hinder my abilities to excel in my sport. (God it feels good to say that!) I see the slight changes in my body and expect so much more from myself. I still want to drop another 20 pounds and increase my lean body mass. I need to work on agility, speed and flexibility.

On the mental side, I am gaining confidence in every area of my life. Those that don't practice martial arts can not understand the mental workout that is required. The intense amount of focus that I have in the dojang provides a terrific outlet from work. I love what I do professionally, however, I'm the obsessive type. I'd much rather obsess about my family and my sport over my career. I feel like martial arts has given me balance in life.

I have 3 weeks to prepare for my Orange belt testing. OMG!!! My goal is to drop another 6 pounds and to perfect self defense, weapons, my kick/punch combos and Songahm 2 (my poomse). I have much work to do. I am now attending 5 hours of TKD weekly and need to continue with at least 2 home workouts of cardio, light weights, and plyometrics.

Gotta get ready for my day!

Kihap!

Dedie

Kickin' Ass!!!!

2008-04-03T17:13:00.004-05:00

Today ROCKED!!! I decided to take an earlier class because Monday's class was such a disaster. I thought that maybe I was cut out to hang with the other white belts instead of hanging with the higher belts. I attended the 4:30pm White/Yellow/Orange belt class. It was a great workout, however, not at all challenging, as far as stretching my physical and mental abilities. My instructor questioned why I attended the class and I was honest with him. I told him that I needed a confidence booster and that I felt like I completely sucked. I also told him that I was leaving in tears - out of sheer frustration - on Monday and Wednesday nights. He asked me if I was coming back to night class. I didn't even know that I could attend more than twice per week.

I went to have my nail repaired (In Monday's class, some guy round kicked me and shattered my sculptured nail in 2 places - cool!), and my salon just happens to be across the street from the dojang. As I was sitting there, I realized that I was giving up and not doing my best. In the Tae Kwon Do code that I recite before and after each class, I promise to do my best and live with perseverance. By attending an easier class, I am completely going against both of those ideals.

I decided to attend the 8:15pm advanced class, as well. I am so glad that I did! First of all, my instructor took notice, although he didn't say anything. He was teaching the black belt class. As I geared up, I socialized with my class mates - really great and cool people who are becoming more than acquaintances. Class was incredible! We punched, kicked, and performed numerous hook kick variations. Hook kicks kick my ass. They are truly artful when executed with precision, but very difficult to master. My instructor believes that the hook kick is the basic kicking element that sets Tae Kwon Do apart from other martial arts. The spinning hook kick is what threw me off my game last Monday night. In tonight's class, however, I was able to really grasp the elements of the hook kick and I'm truly getting it.

Surprise! My Partner was Miss Perfect Blonde again. She is really trying and advancing, too. As we worked together, I decided that she and I could truly form a friendship. I need to be easier on her and appreciate the girlie girl in her. She was very supportive and complimentary of the progress that I made since Monday's class. I can tell that her attitude is changing each class to that of a serious student. Tonight I asked what size she is - SIZE 4. WHATEVER - I don't think that I was even born a size 4.

I broke my first board with a round kick! I broke it on the first try - too easy. Next time I'm going to ask for the hardest board.

At the end of class, I was told that on April 25th, I'm testing for my orange belt. I am so excited! I have my form down - Songahm 2 - and just need to work on self-defense and weapons to perfect those skills. It will be an exciting night for me, as my family will be there to watch me. I want to show them the impact that Tae Kwon Do has had in my life.

I ordered a new dobak and hope that it'll be ready for my testing. I had to order a new size, because I've lost 10 pounds AND inches!!!

Tonight I can definitely Kihap!

Kihap!!!

Dedie

Schitzo!!!!!***!!!!!

2008-04-01T00:36:00.004-05:00

Being a white belt perfectionist in Tae Kwon Do is a funny thing. One day I'm on top and relishinging in my strong suits (flexibility, strength, precision, power, intense focus, desire, ...) and other days, I wallow in the fact that I completely suck and if I had not prepaid for 3 years, I quit. Tonight I wallow.

I was back in Mr. Middle-Aged Fat Women Don't Belong in Tae Kwon Do's Class. When I walked in the door, I almost turned right back around and walked out. Then, I sucked it up and convinced myself that I would defeat this defeatist attitude, work hard through class and prevail. Within the first 10 minutes of class, we were doing some kind of spinning hook kicks that kicked my ass. I was CLEARLY out of my league - looked and felt completely ridiculous. Naturally, he paired me with Miss Girlie Girl (Miss Perfect Makeup, Perfect Body, Perfect Boobs) and the other only white belt tonight and we probably looked like a spectacle. I'm sure if there was an audience, they would have paid money to see the 2 blonde chick white belt comedy act. We sucked and sucked so badly that it was probably comical.

I struggled throughout the entire class. The only thing I mastered tonight was breaking an advanced board on the first try. Half of the black belts took 2 or 3 tries to break. I love to break boards with my hands. It's a completely empowering feeling.

To summarize:

Bad Points For Tonight: My attitude sucked defeating me more and more as class progressed, I didn't try my best, I'm letting my feelings about that instructor get in my way, and I'm trying too hard NOT to be a girlie girl in class to prove that I'm tougher than that.

Good Points For Tonight: I have not quit - despite the fact that I have wanted to several times. I sweat my ass off tonight, so I know that I got a good workout (I'm down 8 pounds!!!), I broke an advanced level board on my first try, Getting better at sparring, and I'm being challenged by attending the higher belt classes.

I still love my sport. I am VERY discouraged, though. So, I will continue to sit here, reflect and wallow.

No Kihap Left,

Dedie

Working Through the Pain ...

2008-03-27T12:47:00.004-05:00

I was supposed to be in class last night. Didn't happen. I couldn't even get out of a chair (or walk up/down stairs) without intense pain shooting through both quadraceps. I feel like I've blown the muscles in each of my top legs. My ass muscles hurt, too, but I can handle that. The quads are a completely different level of pain that I've only experienced once before in my lifetime of working out and challenging myself physically and mentally. My sweet husband was so great in helping me. He massaged my muscles with Icy Hot (ouch, ouch!) and ran a hot bath in our jacuzzi tub. He has been amazing in his support of my aspirations in TKD.

I truly planned on being in class last night, but I didn't want to show up and truly injure myself. In addition, I didn't want my instructor to think that I wasn't giving it my all or doing my best. I called and left word with a jr. instructor. Mr. Frieberg called back - he was disappointed in my choice to stay home. He encouraged me to attend the Thursday lunch class.

I rearranged my schedule to attend the Thursday lunch class. I am truly glad that I followed through on my commitment - both to Mr. Freiberg and to myself. I got to class early, stretched and warmed up. Class Began. There were no other white belts - everyone outranked me. I don't know why I always notice this. It really doesn't make any difference.

We worked on conditioning, punching with partners on the big bags and I once again discovered that my punches are much more powerful than even the black belt women. The men and Mr. Freiberg really take notice. I think it's because I was raised in the country - country girls ROCK!!!

I didn't go full force on my kicks - my legs would not allow me to. Working through the pain was great mentally. I was competing with myself today. I sweat my ass off.

We did floor work today to isolate and work the muscles required for hook kicks and back kicks. I need to do this on my own - ALOT. My quads, gluteus muscles and hip flexors really got some conditioning today. I can see why my kicks need work. These muscles need developing something fierce. If I can really perfect these floor exercises, I'll be able to demonstrate a great deal of control in my kicking forms and precision.

Lastly, I worked on my Poomse, or form. I now know the 23 moves of Songahm 2. I really enjoy the mental and physical aspects of performing my form. I would like to compete in forms to see how I stack up against others in my belt and peer groupings. I would also like to compete in sparring in the same.

When I left class today, I felt like a winner. I worked through the pain and had an outstanding class where I gave it my all. I did my best and it feels AWESOME!!!

Outside of class, a female black belt stopped me to tell me how great she thought I was doing. She told me that I would be her instructor one day. OMG!!!!!!!

Kihap!!!

Dedie

Sparring!!!

2008-03-24T23:23:00.003-05:00

Last week was rough. I was down in the dumps and had a really hard time pulling myself out. I did what I said I would never do. I let my outside "junk" (work and other issues) get in the way of my success in my Tae Kwon Do classes. I left with tears in my eyes last Wednesday. I then sat in the parking lot and cried until there was nothing left. It's hard to go through what I've been through and be 100% okay. The great news is that those days used to be every day and now are only every now and then. Time does seem to heal this pain for me.

Tonight I was determined to reclaim my "kick ass" attitude in class. The dojang is, after all, my sanctuary. I have found a purpose there that truly is transforming me inside and out.

During class today, I aced my Poomse - form - Songahm 2. I am tweaking the minute details and am preparing to test for my yellow belt. I watched a black belt perform her forms before class and she was absolutely incredible. Words to describe her execution: crisp, powerful, precise, high kicks, her dobak popped with kicks, control, perfect eye contact, rhythmic, fun to watch. That's how I want to execute my forms.

Tonight my instructor threw me into the sparring ring. He told me to fully gear up, and I was terrified. Hell - I've never even tried my sparring pads on before! I thought sparring would be months away. Nevertheless, I got in that ring and did my best. I thought that I didn't know enough, however, I underestimated what I've been practicing these last 4 weeks. I sparred against a green belt and won!!!!! I discovered that I REALLY like sparring. I got kicked and hit a few times pretty hard, but I can definitely take it. I can also dish it. My favorite part about sparring is the intense mental focus on strategy that one has to exhibit. I was constantly calculating where my opponent would make the next move. I blocked and counter kicked and then followed immediately with a punch combo. I sweat my ass off. It was so incredibly cool.

Then, to finish class, (after forms and before sparring we worked with our weapons) a young black belt ran us through conditioning. It sucked. He had us jumping like frogs with our butts practically touching the floor and then jumping as high as we could - back & forth, back & forth - I can't even recall how many times we did this until adding series of walking lunges paired with those crazy frog jumps. My legs were buckling under me.

Tonight is Monday. Wednesday will suck. I'm sure that I'll feel like I've been in a car wreck!

Kihap!

Dedie

Taking Inventory - End of 3rd Week

2008-03-19T23:39:00.003-05:00

Flexibility - much improved. Mr. Freiberg noticed tonight.

Power - very good. I can hit like the boys. I have powerful right kicks. Mr. Freiberg comments on my power. Other students comment on my power.

Ambidexterity - I need to work on my left kicks. I struggle with good form and proper execution of my left kicks.

Weapon - I suck. I've got to work on being more ambidextrous. I can see that this could be an area where I'll have to work very hard.

Poomse (forms) - Talented here. I do them well, execute crisply with intention. My dobak even snaps with my front kick and my punches!

Agility/Speed - nonexistent. I'm slow. I have to continue to lose weight to lighten up. I think plyometrics will help my fast twitch muscles perform better. Right now I'd get my ass kicked in any sparring match. I would only be able to count on landing a punch or kick, which could hurt them. But if I didn't, I'm toast!

Mental Acuity - nonexistent. Tonight I couldn't shake work. I couldn't concentrate. I violated my oath because I was not focused and didn't do my best.

Going to bed and no spirit left to Kihap,

Dedie

Blue Stripe!!!!!!!!!

2008-03-17T22:02:00.005-05:00

My hands are shaking as I'm typing this. I just got home from the dojang. Mr. Freiberg left after the black belt class (right before my class), and entrusted our training to another black belt. I've seen this black belt before, however, he's never taught one of my classes.

There were only 3 of us tonight. Myself (white belt), a blue belt older male (probably late '40's) and another blonde white belt female. She was cute and very girlie. I've tried SO hard not to be the stereotypical girlie girl blonde chick thus far, because I know that it's what every guy and brunette female is expecting me to be. I enter the dojang each class with my game face on and I never break. The instructor kept putting us females together and spent the majority of his drills with the blue belt male. He never came to watch our form. I think a smarter pairing would have been to mix us so that there was a beginner and a higher belt for each pair. It was frustrating and I was getting pissed, but trying to exercise self control - since it's one of the martial arts principles and something that I need to work on.

This instructor put us on the stationary kicking/punching bags and had us working on our board breaking kicks. He drilled us again and again. I loved this part.

He then paired us to work on sparring and weapons. He paired with me - which is what I was asking for - right? - and drove me into the ground. He was tough, had little patience and transitioned so quickly. Granted this is my 5th class, so I feel like I'm working overtime mentally just to keep up. I desperately want to excel. I know that I think too much.

He asks if we can stay late and we all agree. My instructor then proceeds to drilling us with partner situps with medicine balls, pushups, running drills, more situps and more push ups. At this point, I'm so thankful that I've been training at home each day or it would have been so embarrassing for me. I looked in the mirror and my face was so red! I was determined to stay the course and keep up. Inside, though, I wanted to cry from being pissed at myself. HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET OUT OF SHAPE LIKE THIS? He lectured us continuously on how our excellent forms, execution of kicks and punches, and flexibility don't matter if we aren't in cardiovascular shape to stay in the fight. While I know that he's absolutely right, it hurts to hear the truth.

At the end of class, I was wringing wet. I have never attended a class and gotten this much workout. I also felt mentally broken. This instructor took away any confidence that I had. I felt like I knew nothing and was out of my league. Then something amazing happened.

He called me over and put a blue stripe on my belt. When I asked what that stood for, he told me that he saw me demonstrate a commitment to belief. He said that I could say that I believe in many things: my country, my relationships, my work; however, I could not believe in anything, really, until I believe in myself. He then said that he was proud of me.

I drove home and thought through tonight realizing that my blue stripe needs to be a physical reminder to me of humility. I got a big dose tonight. Part of me wanted to quit, but I will persevere. When I want to quit, I will look at that blue stripe and kick harder - punch harder - train harder - to be my personal best.

Kihap!

Dedie

Tae Kwon Do & PKD

2008-03-16T22:11:00.003-05:00

As I've been working on my flexibility, I've started setting some goals. I want to be able to do the splits 3 ways: right leg in front, left leg in front and the middle splits. So far I've got the left leg in front down and almost have my right leading leg split down. The middle split is something different altogether. I can sit on the floor with my legs out in a "V", lean over touching toes and put my chest flat to the floor, but that doesn't matter in Tae Kwon Do. If I can achieve my middle splits, my kicks will be amazing.

I'm also trying to get back my gymnastics. I can do handstands, roundoffs, front walk overs - all kinds of stuff that most 38 year-olds can't. What I want to achieve is my back handspring - or a flipflop (what we called that in the '80'). In order to start working on this, I've been trying to work on my backbend. This used to be an everyday thing for me. I guess I haven't tried doing backbends since I got pregnant. I know that I did them frequently before pregnancy, because I did them in yoga - or a type of one. Here's where it gets weird.

When I do a backbend now, my body feels FREAKY. I can feel my kidneys from the fact that they are growing larger from having PKD. In my last ultrasound, my left kidney was over 17 cm. My right kidney is the smaller of the two, measuring at 16 cm. Even though the right is smaller, it's the one that is the most painful. When I do a backbend now, my kidneys feel like two water balloons in my back. I can feel them pushing into my other organs. It sucks. It's also painful.

For now, I'm going to stick to the splits, doing great kicks and learn to "sting like a bee" when I punch. I overheard my instructor telling a black belt student in class that I punched unusually hard. I liked that. When I punch that bag or target, I am punching out all of the shit that I've been through over the last 3 years. It's the most cleansing thing that I've felt in a long time.

Today I picked out a stationary punching/kicking bag for my garage. It's starting to look like a dojang in there!!! :-)

Joey, my awesome husband, is incredibly supportive and has also purchased punching gloves on his own! It see some sparring in our future!!!

Class is tomorrow, so I need some sleep.

Kihap!

Dedie

Epiphany

2008-03-14T00:21:00.002-05:00

Here's the deal. I've wasted my money on so much crap to lose weight: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, starving, eating 1200 cals & 30 grams of fat each day, no carbs, going vegetarian (lacto/ovo), weight loss hypnosis, Slim Fast, Fat Burners GALORE .... and on and on ... etc. etc. etc. I could not figure out WHY I have been so obsessed with food. Tonight I have FINALLY figured it out!!! Every time that I start another "program", I become even more obsessed with food than I already am - writing it all down, counting calories or this/that, going to meetings, going to weigh-ins, thinking about food practically every minute of the day. So, the constant obsession drives me to stressful overeating, rebellious overeating, and the kind of overeating that comes from the "screw it I'll just be fat and happy" attitude.

The perplexing thing is that I know that there were 13 years of my life where I was completely devoted to a fit lifestyle - from eating clean to enjoying daily intense and focused workouts. I thought that I had lost the ability to regain that discipline and focus. This internal struggle has been a true source of frustration and repeated disappointment for me. Quite frankly, though, I've not been able to get excited about any kind of physical activity - and boy have I tried! The 17 years that I taught aerobics and group exercise classes were the best years of my life - in terms of being passionate about physical activity, and being in the best mindset about eating for fuel (but not obsessing about it). I taught my last class in 2000.

Since starting Tae Kwon Do, I have tapped into that same place inside of me that gave me the passion and excitement of those 13 years of leading others in fitness. For the last 2 weeks, I haven't even thought about eating poorly, becasue I refuse to abuse my body with anything other than what will provide energy and nutrients to help me achieve my physical personal best for Tae Kwon Do. But the best news of all is that I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FOOD AT ALL! I have just completely lost the desire for the taste or emotion of food. I feel like I am free.

I am not going to endlessly weigh myself any longer. I am not going to be defined by a number on a scale. I'm just going to be. I'm just going to be the best me that I can be. My personal focus right now (aside from the obvious roles of wife/mother/etc) is to achieve milestones through my martial arts living - namely 1st degree black belt. The best thing about this goal is that the black belt is not the end, but merely the beginning in martial arts.

Kihap!

Dedie

Breaking Boards & Humble Pie

2008-03-12T22:08:00.003-05:00

Tonight was cool. I was the only girl in the dojang. I was also the only white belt. There were 2 other male students - both black. This is going to be interesting. It worked out well - the 2 black belts paired up together and I paired with the instructor the entire class for our pairing up drills. The class is geared to the highest level (we're the adult evening class), so I'm learning cool stuff that is usually not taught at the white belt level.

I've been feeling good - working out daily. I did research and found anaerobic and aerobic activities beneficial for martial arts. The best just also happens to be my favorite exercise to do - jumprope. I'm also doing jumping jacks, plyometric jumps of varying kinds, lifting light weights with high reps, push ups and lots of sit ups. Doing all of this in circuits keeps it fun and fresh.

My Songham 2 Form is coming along great. I worked on this again tonight. I do well in all of our kicking and punching drills. I broke a brown board tonight doing a right hand strike and then also on the left!!! Class was AMAZING up until this point.

Now for humble pie: The instructor decided for some crazy reason that I could spar him tonight. Are you serious - in my 3rd class? I don't even know anything yet!!! I sucked and felt like the biggest idiot. For the first time so far, I felt like a silly, stupid, clumsy girl and it totally sucked. I can't wait until I know what I'm doing.

On a personal note, I can already see the physical and emotional effects that these couple of weeks in Tae Kwon Do is already having in my life. I feel empowered, positive, energetic and very aware of the principals of martial arts: Honor, Integrity, Self Control, Courtesy, Respect, Loyalty. Those in my life are noticing, too!!!

Kihap!

Dedie

Tough Morning ...

2008-03-08T09:06:00.005-06:00

Having a disease with no cure is a weird thing. Usually I try not to think about having PKD - Polycystic Kidney Disease. I'm sure that most would call it denial, however, I just want to be "normal" and not let PKD define my life or who I am. The constant obsession over the realities of having PKD and what my future holds can be mentally exhausting. I choose to live my life in the now and in the positive.

However, today I was reading a wellness article on enzymes and started balling my eyes out. These emotions overwhelmed me within seconds of reading the word, "enzyme". Without getting into great detail about PKD, basically my body lacks an important enzyme, which is why I had that emotional response. I hate how emotional that I have become over the last 3 years of my life. I'm not sure if it's all that I've been through, child birth hormones that haven't left my body, or a combination thereof.

The bottom line: having PKD sucks. I'm going to workout to force some endorphines through my body. This will surely make me feel better. Is this a form of supression???

If you want to learn more about PKD, go to this link: www.pkdcure.org

"D" Day - Detox Day

2008-03-07T12:23:00.006-06:00

Today is the first day of clean living for me. I have decided that if I am going to commit to a martial arts lifestyle, I can't comprise. Today I started a 10-day detox/cleanse from a program called, "Garden of Life." I know that this is going to be rough, but worth it in the end. I'm sure that I'll experience physiological signs of detox as I get off of refined sugars, caffeine (no more Starbuck's Frapps!), and processed foods. I'm sceptical about the whole idea of "detoxing", however, there is so much out in the naturopathic/wholistic industry about this, I'm going to see if I really do feel better (more energy, etc). This area of my life has not been under control for 10 years. I have got to exercise the greatest amount of discipline in order to succeed. I love to eat/drink everything that is harmful to me. I hope that through my commitment to martial arts, I'll find the desire to treat my body better - thus eating the right foods and eliminating alcohol.

Today I am also going to begin my new at home conditioning program. I have a great home gym that only gets used by my very sexy husband. He is so inspirational because he's 10 years older than me and looks my age. He has an immense commitment to himself in eating correctly and working out. I am always challenged by his unwavering commitment to personal growth and improvement. While I'm not making these life changes to please him, I hope that he does take notice. I want him to be proud of me.

I am combining aerobic conditioning with anaerobic conditioning. I love to jump rope (boxer style) and have discovered that this is one of the best conditioning activities for martial arts. By the way, one of the coolest jump ropes I've ever used is called the JUMP SNAP. It's a ropeless jumprope! It's hard to describe, so In addition to the picture above, I'm including the link: www.jumpsnap.com If you are into jumping rope and frustrated by the limitations of where you have to jump (due to your rope hitting stuff or you travel and want to jump in your hotel room ), or keep getting tripped up on your rope, check it out! One jump snap workout burns twice the calories in a 30 minute workout compared to the elyptical trainer, bicycle, and stair stepper, and burns 4 times calories walking on a treadmill at 4 mph!

This is my first priority as my weight and lack of aerobic capacity is definitely already hindering my abilities in the dojang. I was embarrassed by how much I huffed and puffed in my last class - only from doing 50 right and left consecutive round kicks to the pads. I'm also beginning weight training and practicing my forms each workout.

I wonder how long it will take for me to see results in my new lifestyle.

I'm off to drink some H20 and begin jumping!!!

Kihap!

Dedie

2nd Class Surprises

2008-03-05T21:50:00.003-06:00

I am attending the Monday and Wednesday night sessions at my dojang. There was a complete new set of students in the Wednesday night class - totally different than the Monday night class. I don't know why, but this surprised me. I was also surprised that I didn't work on forms tonight. We worked how to escape a choke hold and how to put someone in a sleeper hold. We punched and kicked, did punch combo's and kick combos. We ended class with 50 round kicks per leg.

Did I mention that when I woke up today I felt like I'd been beat up from head to toe? I seriously can't find a muscle that did not hurt! Now back to class...

I realized that with different people in every class, this is very much a solo sport. There are no collaborative class goals. My progress, or lack thereof, totally rests with me. Martial Arts principles teach that the only competition lies within and striving for one's personal best each day. I'm so accustomed to competing against every peer - for grades in grad school, for the promotion at work, etc - that it's a mental struggle for me to be concerned with only myself in class. I have to constantly temper the urge that arises to be better than the higher belt lady next to me, or kick the pad like harder than the man in front of me. Through this realization alone, I know that I have so much to learn about living the principles and traditions of martial arts.

I desire to obtain the peaceful discipline of the black belts and wonder if I will ever achieve this in my life. Can a "Type A / high strung" personality truly live the martial arts principles for a sustained period of time? This is a question that I can't answer yet. Time will only tell.

I am truly thankful for this moment in my life. While the nights away from my family is a sacrifice, I think being a better "me" will enhance my ability to be a better wife and mother.

Kihap! (spirited yell in martial arts)

Dedie

Day 1 - Doing it for me

2008-03-04T00:09:00.004-06:00

Today is a monumental day for me. I am coming back from the dead - or so it feels like. I have just returned from taking my first Tae Kwon Do class and it was truly amazing. While I have fleeting pangs of guilt from committing to an activity that takes me away from home (and my 3 year old daughter) twice per week, I feel like a part of me that died long ago has awakened.

I have lived the last 3 years of my life dedicated to my work, my family and managing life with a kidney disease with no cure - Polycystic Kidney Disease (PKD). I have allowed these "labels" to define me. I've experienced defeat and pain that I didn't know was possible - and remained in that place for far too long. The agony of defeat can really change a person. I know this because I am so changed that I don't even recognize who I am any longer. And actually ... expanding any further on this is a different post altogether, and not one that I will tackle today.

Back to tonight ...

When I sat in front of my new sacred place, the dojo where I will train each week, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I watched a class full of black belts (varying degrees) sparring, practicing forms, and perfecting their kicks, blocks and hand strikes. I was in awe and made a commitment to myself in that moment. I will not quit. I will live in the spirit of Tae Kwon Do and the principles that Tae Kwon Do is built upon: discipline, honor, respect, courtesy, self control, integrity and the pursuit of excellence. The goal for most is to achieve the black belt. For me, it is the pursuit of personal excellence.

My first class was amazing. My instructor and 4 other students were extremely supportive. I was thrown right into the mix of what the class is already working toward. The thrill of the night was a moment when I practiced a hand strike that enabled me to break a board on the first strike. On the outside I kept my composure while on the inside I was screaming, "You go, girl!!!" I can't wait to go back Wednesday.

Tonight I am alive again! And now I'll sign off so that I can research Songahm Tae Kwon Do to learn more about the history of my sport. (God, it feels great to say something like that!)

Kyung Yeh (Korean for "bow"),

Dedie

P.S. My husband just walked by, stopped, backed up and told me how sexy I am in my uniform (dobak). What a bonus that I had not considered before!!!