Fighting The Enemy

Tonight's 2 classes were really intense. I sweat buckets through both. I love it and hate it how the sweat pours down my face and stings my eyes. It's a very physical reminder that the work that I do in the dojo is special, as it takes great commitment, dedication and perseverance to train that hard every time I step onto the mat.

Every now and then I get really pissed off about having Polycystic Kidney Disease. I feel pain from this disease EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I am aware of my kidney pain 100% of the time. I don't talk about this or bring this up to anyone, because who wants to be around someone complaining all of the time? I just choose to concentrate on the positive and living in the moment.

Tonight I just really struggled mentally with an immense anger that sometimes fills me when I think about the details of the inevitable for me. My future holds certainty that my kidneys will continue to worsen - regardless of what I do to take excellent care of myself. It's so frustrating! My future holds possibilities of dialysis, transplant, complications from PKD (like on New Year's Day this year when I was in the E.R.),and continued pain.

There are certainly those that criticize my decision for choosing a full contact sport, like Tae Kwon Do. I can understand. One hard kick to one of my kidneys would be a very scary thing for me. We don't wear back pads, so when sparring, this is a real possibility. It's a risk I'm willing to take. The daily benefits that I receive from my martial arts training and lifestyle far outweigh the risks for me.

When I am in my garage or in the dojo and punching/kicking those targets and bags, I visualize the letters PKD and unleash the fury. It's the mental thing that I do to kick PKD ass on a weekly basis. It's the mental struggle, because I refuse to let PKD defeat me, although at times I feel like it's killing me!

Dedie