Being a white belt perfectionist in Tae Kwon Do is a funny thing. One day I'm on top and relishinging in my strong suits (flexibility, strength, precision, power, intense focus, desire, ...) and other days, I wallow in the fact that I completely suck and if I had not prepaid for 3 years, I quit. Tonight I wallow.
I was back in Mr. Middle-Aged Fat Women Don't Belong in Tae Kwon Do's Class. When I walked in the door, I almost turned right back around and walked out. Then, I sucked it up and convinced myself that I would defeat this defeatist attitude, work hard through class and prevail. Within the first 10 minutes of class, we were doing some kind of spinning hook kicks that kicked my ass. I was CLEARLY out of my league - looked and felt completely ridiculous. Naturally, he paired me with Miss Girlie Girl (Miss Perfect Makeup, Perfect Body, Perfect Boobs) and the other only white belt tonight and we probably looked like a spectacle. I'm sure if there was an audience, they would have paid money to see the 2 blonde chick white belt comedy act. We sucked and sucked so badly that it was probably comical.
I struggled throughout the entire class. The only thing I mastered tonight was breaking an advanced board on the first try. Half of the black belts took 2 or 3 tries to break. I love to break boards with my hands. It's a completely empowering feeling.
To summarize:
Bad Points For Tonight: My attitude sucked defeating me more and more as class progressed, I didn't try my best, I'm letting my feelings about that instructor get in my way, and I'm trying too hard NOT to be a girlie girl in class to prove that I'm tougher than that.
Good Points For Tonight: I have not quit - despite the fact that I have wanted to several times. I sweat my ass off tonight, so I know that I got a good workout (I'm down 8 pounds!!!), I broke an advanced level board on my first try, Getting better at sparring, and I'm being challenged by attending the higher belt classes.
I still love my sport. I am VERY discouraged, though. So, I will continue to sit here, reflect and wallow.
No Kihap Left,
Dedie
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