Epiphany

Here's the deal. I've wasted my money on so much crap to lose weight: Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, LA Weight Loss, starving, eating 1200 cals & 30 grams of fat each day, no carbs, going vegetarian (lacto/ovo), weight loss hypnosis, Slim Fast, Fat Burners GALORE .... and on and on ... etc. etc. etc. I could not figure out WHY I have been so obsessed with food. Tonight I have FINALLY figured it out!!! Every time that I start another "program", I become even more obsessed with food than I already am - writing it all down, counting calories or this/that, going to meetings, going to weigh-ins, thinking about food practically every minute of the day. So, the constant obsession drives me to stressful overeating, rebellious overeating, and the kind of overeating that comes from the "screw it I'll just be fat and happy" attitude.

The perplexing thing is that I know that there were 13 years of my life where I was completely devoted to a fit lifestyle - from eating clean to enjoying daily intense and focused workouts. I thought that I had lost the ability to regain that discipline and focus. This internal struggle has been a true source of frustration and repeated disappointment for me. Quite frankly, though, I've not been able to get excited about any kind of physical activity - and boy have I tried! The 17 years that I taught aerobics and group exercise classes were the best years of my life - in terms of being passionate about physical activity, and being in the best mindset about eating for fuel (but not obsessing about it). I taught my last class in 2000.

Since starting Tae Kwon Do, I have tapped into that same place inside of me that gave me the passion and excitement of those 13 years of leading others in fitness. For the last 2 weeks, I haven't even thought about eating poorly, becasue I refuse to abuse my body with anything other than what will provide energy and nutrients to help me achieve my physical personal best for Tae Kwon Do. But the best news of all is that I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FOOD AT ALL! I have just completely lost the desire for the taste or emotion of food. I feel like I am free.

I am not going to endlessly weigh myself any longer. I am not going to be defined by a number on a scale. I'm just going to be. I'm just going to be the best me that I can be. My personal focus right now (aside from the obvious roles of wife/mother/etc) is to achieve milestones through my martial arts living - namely 1st degree black belt. The best thing about this goal is that the black belt is not the end, but merely the beginning in martial arts.

Kihap!

Dedie