Blue Stripe!!!!!!!!!

My hands are shaking as I'm typing this. I just got home from the dojang. Mr. Freiberg left after the black belt class (right before my class), and entrusted our training to another black belt. I've seen this black belt before, however, he's never taught one of my classes.

There were only 3 of us tonight. Myself (white belt), a blue belt older male (probably late '40's) and another blonde white belt female. She was cute and very girlie. I've tried SO hard not to be the stereotypical girlie girl blonde chick thus far, because I know that it's what every guy and brunette female is expecting me to be. I enter the dojang each class with my game face on and I never break. The instructor kept putting us females together and spent the majority of his drills with the blue belt male. He never came to watch our form. I think a smarter pairing would have been to mix us so that there was a beginner and a higher belt for each pair. It was frustrating and I was getting pissed, but trying to exercise self control - since it's one of the martial arts principles and something that I need to work on.

This instructor put us on the stationary kicking/punching bags and had us working on our board breaking kicks. He drilled us again and again. I loved this part.

He then paired us to work on sparring and weapons. He paired with me - which is what I was asking for - right? - and drove me into the ground. He was tough, had little patience and transitioned so quickly. Granted this is my 5th class, so I feel like I'm working overtime mentally just to keep up. I desperately want to excel. I know that I think too much.

He asks if we can stay late and we all agree. My instructor then proceeds to drilling us with partner situps with medicine balls, pushups, running drills, more situps and more push ups. At this point, I'm so thankful that I've been training at home each day or it would have been so embarrassing for me. I looked in the mirror and my face was so red! I was determined to stay the course and keep up. Inside, though, I wanted to cry from being pissed at myself. HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET OUT OF SHAPE LIKE THIS? He lectured us continuously on how our excellent forms, execution of kicks and punches, and flexibility don't matter if we aren't in cardiovascular shape to stay in the fight. While I know that he's absolutely right, it hurts to hear the truth.

At the end of class, I was wringing wet. I have never attended a class and gotten this much workout. I also felt mentally broken. This instructor took away any confidence that I had. I felt like I knew nothing and was out of my league. Then something amazing happened.

He called me over and put a blue stripe on my belt. When I asked what that stood for, he told me that he saw me demonstrate a commitment to belief. He said that I could say that I believe in many things: my country, my relationships, my work; however, I could not believe in anything, really, until I believe in myself. He then said that he was proud of me.

I drove home and thought through tonight realizing that my blue stripe needs to be a physical reminder to me of humility. I got a big dose tonight. Part of me wanted to quit, but I will persevere. When I want to quit, I will look at that blue stripe and kick harder - punch harder - train harder - to be my personal best.

Kihap!

Dedie